Relationships are Built Upon Small Talk

Social media gets a bad wrap for being a place where people tweet that they’re going to the bathroom, take selfies in their car, and review their chicken salad. It’s just small talk. So why invest?

I mean, who cares what you ate for breakfast?

The truth is, we all care.

Warning: Snark Ahead

I was sitting at a graduation party some years back, suddenly on the Defense for Facebook v People. “Our family doesn’t use Facebook,” he said. His wife chimed in saying they had better things to do. People only talk about nonsense anyway.

What you don’t know is we has spent the previous 20 minutes discussing what the best dog shampoo was.

Twenty minutes.

Are you with me?

So, yeah. Social media is stupid, because I could have asked my friends on Facebook what their favorite pet shampoo was and had crowdsourced that answer in minutes — with links to Amazon.

Of course, I stepped up to the ladies and gentlemen of the jury, presented my case, and closed it.

Today, they are on Facebook.

Small Talk Is A Relationship Builder

I feel like I’ve written about this before. Maybe I just keep saying it. And honestly, are we supposed to solve the energy crisis with a stranger? Do you sit down next to a person you’ve never met and pour out your latest heartbreak? I mean, maybe you do. I bet it’s cathartic, but that person is going to think you’re strange — at best.

It’s called small talk but it plays no small role in our lives. The people who think we waste time talking about our cat, lunch, etc. don’t understand that small talk is the structure relationships are built upon.

Office Watercooler

Where’s the office watercooler? What do you talk about with your coworkers? Who won what game and by how many points? What a ripoff that so-and-so didn’t win America’s Got Talent? Debate over the meaning of the season finale of Game of Thrones?

None of that chit chat is going to solve the problems in the middle east or bring water to a village in Africa. Does that mean it has no value?

Absolutely not.

Small talk is very valuable.

Small Talk is a Bridge

Often small talk is a bridge to an emotional discussion. It’s dipping your toe in the water to make sure its temperature isn’t too hot or too cold. It helps you evaluate the emotional status of your potential conversationalist.

Do you remember the last time you approached someone with a request? How did you start?

“Many times, much as in the outside world, family members preface a highly anxious issue with small talk. If you can listen without dismissal to what seems like small talk by a spouse, child, teen or parent, you may facilitate an opportunity for crucial disclosure.” Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP

Cutting off small talk may cut you off to larger conversations and deeper connection. Remember that the next time someone asks you an annoying question like, “What are you doing?” It may be they’re just testing the waters.

Business is Built with Relationships

I wrote about relationship marketing extensively over on WordImpress, but suffice it to say that we do business with people we like. It’s not a fair world. It’s not about the best product. We don’t hire the best candidate. We don’t promote the best person. We promote, hire, and purchase from people we like.

We may invent a six-party interview system with scoring and blind reviews, but we still choose people based upon our own instinct.

But Small Talk is Annoying and Difficult

It was for me, too, before I started. You do it on social media the same way as in real life. Starting conversations with questions help, especially if they are open-ended questions. This only backfires if you’re talking to someone more shy than you are. The truth is that most people like to talk about themselves. It’s just a fact.

Practice. Read “How to Win Friends & Influence People.” Learn how to actively listen.

The next wedding you attend, you can ask the person to the left how they know the bride. At your next meetup, ask the person a question about the subject matter. This is a great way to get better at small talk. It will not happen without practice.

“Small talk can lead to a host of outcomes, from a merely pleasant exchange to the signing of multimillion-dollar business deal.” Brett Nelson, Forbes 

Believe me, I have major panic when it comes to entering rooms full of people I don’t know and I find that it is hard to talk. But, even people waiting for an elevator can have a perfectly good conversation. Why not leverage that opportunity?

Small Talk 2.0

Enter social media. Specifically, Twitter. I think this is where most people meet others, though I could be wrong. For me, it’s where I’m open to conversations (small talk) with strangers. I could babble on incessantly about how much my life has been changed because of the people I met there, but it would be boring.

I will settle with a case in point. In a former job at a contractor, I had met a Commercial Real Estate broker in our County. I knew he and my boss would hit it off. After a few exchanges over a period of time I convinced them both to meet for lunch. At first, I was nervous. After all, this was my very first sales call — of sorts.

But when Allen walked in the restaurant it was all smiles and handshakes. The awkward small talk wasn’t awkward. It didn’t exist. Why? We did it online. We sat as friends because we were friends.

“Small talk is not wasted talk. It’s a social lubricant as essential as wine and laughter that allows strangers to make crucial first connections across demographic lines. And it’s far from meaningless.” Ruth Graham

Small Talk, The Sequel

Now, the next time you see someone you have a basis for continuing the friendship. You no longer need to talk about sports or weather — though you can. You can level up.

You can ask a question you’ve been dying to ask. You can tell them how you liked the blog post they wrote last week.

Small Talk Builds Trust

The value in small talk is this: it builds trust. I’m not going to tell you where I live, my first kiss, or my darkest secret right off the bat. Even though I’ve come across elitists who think small talk is mindless, I’m surprised at how many blog posts also say that. I even read one in the NYTimes about a “no small talk rule” when dating. Seriously? I wonder how that’s working out for you, pal. Or would that be small talk to ask?

The point is this. Humans are social. We create relationships by communicating. This includes body language, tone, inflection, micro-gestures, laughter, tears, expressions, and, yes, small talk.

If you want people to like you, be likable. There is no way around that.

Or, just enjoy your dinner for one in the corner. Alone.

 

25 Comments

  1. Carol Stephen on August 13, 2016 at 10:15 am

    I love your story and this, especially: “What you don’t know is we has spent the previous 20 minutes discussing what the best dog shampoo was.”

    Nobody blames the telephone if people say stupid things on it. And nobody blames the typewriter, either. Twitter is a way to connect. And you’re right: small talk is a bridge. Twitter helps us with that bridge.

    P.S. Whenever I type the word “bridge,” my fingers want to put a “t” at the end of it. 😀

    • Bridget Willard on August 13, 2016 at 10:31 am

      You’re right, Carol. No one ever blames the phone, typewriter, Slack. But people are very dismissive about social media. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. That’s funny about “bridge.”

  2. Sherie Beth on August 13, 2016 at 3:59 pm

    Great post Bridget and a helpful reminder for this introvert! I know small talk is important, but I admit to struggling with it at times – especially in a room full of strangers 😉 Honestly, for me, social media is one of my favorite ways to connect as it starts with typing – instead of face-to-face – and gives me time to gather my thoughts about what I’d like to say!

    • Bridget Willard on August 13, 2016 at 6:41 pm

      And you hit the beauty of Twitter, Sherie. You can break the ice in a way that is less threatening. I’m getting better at parties but I’m still pretty bad.

  3. Cheryl LaPrade on August 13, 2016 at 4:04 pm

    Loved that story about introducing Allen to your boss and the quote you included from Ruth Graham… I often find that’s the best part about small talk for me (especially over twitter); that it breaks the ice and allows the conversation to be more natural when you actually meet in person! I’m certainly hoping to put this into practice when I attend WordCamp US in December – both online and off. 🙂

    • Bridget Willard on August 13, 2016 at 6:42 pm

      You hit the nail on the head, Cheryl. It does break the ice — both on and offline.

  4. Meg Delagrange on August 13, 2016 at 7:13 pm

    Is this the post you were avoiding blogging on Snapchat the other night? 😉 I had not thought of social media from this angle but I love it. I enjoy small talk and I enjoy deep intense conversations. I’m just as awkward on social media as I am in real life but social media has helped me to be myself…. I found out that people dig the real Meg and I like the real Meg.

    Social media has taught me how to get along with people better. Random thoughts, completely getting off track… But I had to think, hmmm, my interactions with Bridget began with small talk. I’ll never forget the day you commented on a photo I shared about how much I loved an Earl Grey latte and you went and tried and shared your own photo. Those kinds of genuine interactions are what I LOVE about social media.

    Also… this line made me laugh:
    “I even read one in the NYTimes about a “no small talk rule” when dating. Seriously? I wonder how that’s working out for you, pal. Or would that be small talk to ask?” Oh, I can tell ya, those “intense conversations only” relationships will weigh ya down real quick. Gotta have a good balance of both.

    • Bridget Willard on August 13, 2016 at 9:19 pm

      All good points, Meg. That is exactly what I was referring to on Snapchat.
      Ha! Yes! The Earl Gray Latte! One day, we will toast one in person.

  5. Patricia on August 14, 2016 at 6:26 am

    You are right Bridget. It is about small talk. Sadly I never found that connection on Twitter, FB or even Pinterest. I found it on the now closed Tsū. Maybe it was because people were offered a few pennies for interaction but I made so many wonderful online relationships that we are still scrambling to find each other on the other (older) platforms. Tsū closed quite abruptly. I do think those of us who were honest about the relationships being true will remain in contact.

    • Bridget Willard on August 14, 2016 at 7:49 am

      Patricia, It’s nice to see you here. I’m sorry about Tsu. Hopefully, you’ll find each other soon. Maybe Slack would work.

  6. sandy connolly on August 15, 2016 at 9:48 am

    Excellent points Bridget. And, I’m with Carol, the 20 minutes about dog shampoo gave me a smile – thank you for being you.

  7. Adam Fout on August 16, 2016 at 7:58 am

    I hate small talk, but you’re spot on with the questions bit — I’ve been doing that for a long time now. I think it’s helpful even with people you know, because even when I’ve known someone a long time, it can still get awkward when there’s not much news to catch up on.

    I like to ask people about things that genuinely interest me, like someone’s job. I don’t care what you do, I find the reasons behind what they do fascinating. I do this with hairdressers all the time — ask about the hours, when do people come in most, who gives the biggest tips, are they timed on the haircuts, what’s the best kind of work to do (color, cuts, prom styling), and just learn a little bit about what they do.

    Most people want to talk about themselves, and their job is a great place to learn about them.

    This is a great article Bridget — I hate small talk, but even just talking about it reminds me how important it is to building a relationship.

    That’s how we got to know each other anyway!

    • Bridget Willard on August 16, 2016 at 9:04 am

      Adam, True. It feels like small talk is mindless chatter. But when you look at it as a springboard for deeper conversations, it makes sense. Also, you don’t realize its value until you no longer have it.

  8. Robert Nissenbaum on August 16, 2016 at 9:35 am

    I’m with Adam. Hate the small talk but….. you’re right. It’s a conversation starter and no relationship can begin without that first word. For me the trick has been to figure out how to open a conversation with something of value. It’s easy when the person opn the other end has similar interests (why posting personal content is a must).

    Excellent stuff!

    • Bridget Willard on August 16, 2016 at 10:03 am

      Exactly, if you use Social Media to your benefit, you can give the person a launching place to start a conversation. But don’t go in too deep too soon or you’ll come off salesy. It’s a tricky thing. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Robert. I appreciate you. 😀

  9. Justine Pretorious on August 18, 2016 at 10:50 am

    Absolutely! All of your examples were spot on! I think if we didn’t have small talk we wouldn’t be able to have the big conversations! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

    • Bridget Willard on August 18, 2016 at 11:08 am

      Exactly, Justine. A conversation about our dogs can lead to other conversations. Etc.

      • justine.pretorious on August 18, 2016 at 11:27 am

        Totally agree!

  10. Ruby on August 18, 2016 at 12:17 pm

    I love small talks even small talks especially the ones that involve dogs (or cats) + coffee. It’s my gauge.

    Well done, B!

    • Bridget Willard on August 18, 2016 at 12:30 pm

      Thanks, Ruby. I think anything we say to one another is valuable.
      Communication is valuable in and of itself.

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